Hokkien Nang
Sin Ga Po Jokes and Humor
Ah Lian asked shopkeeper,
"Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?"
Ah Chek replied,
"Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one?"
------------ --------- --------- ------
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her.
So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng.
"Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and children.
To the British he said,
"You must act like gentlemen."
They jumped.
To the Americans he said,
"You can be heroes."
They complied.
To the Germans he said,
"It's the rule."
They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said,
" It's the consensus."
They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:
"Free life jackets for those who jumped."
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti"
(In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).
The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song.
The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss claiming the DJ was insulting them.
The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down.
Finally after a long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that they were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
------------ --------- --
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and wanted to get down to the ground floor.
As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2.
It was then followed by a G.
As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean.
Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G.
When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian,
"Wah low!!! How you know one?"
The first Ah Lian replied smugly,
"Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."
Ah Lian asked shopkeeper,
"Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?"
Ah Chek replied,
"Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one?"
------------ --------- --------- ------
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her.
So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng.
"Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and children.
To the British he said,
"You must act like gentlemen."
They jumped.
To the Americans he said,
"You can be heroes."
They complied.
To the Germans he said,
"It's the rule."
They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said,
" It's the consensus."
They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:
"Free life jackets for those who jumped."
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti"
(In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).
The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song.
The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss claiming the DJ was insulting them.
The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down.
Finally after a long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that they were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
------------ --------- --
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and wanted to get down to the ground floor.
As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2.
It was then followed by a G.
As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean.
Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G.
When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian,
"Wah low!!! How you know one?"
The first Ah Lian replied smugly,
"Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."
Monday, September 11, 2006
Tell about a haircut
The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Yelow Roses
Here's to T-bone steaks, yellow roses and friendship. READ THIS!!!! and then reread it. Especially the last part...
I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of seven days was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.
He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special l. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.
He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.
Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two. Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.
Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she e picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket.. Hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.
She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."
I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes. "My husband passed away seven days ago," I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. "Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."
She shook her head a and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.
I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.
I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.
As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.
I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know?
Suddenly the answer seemed so clear I wasn't alone. Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.
Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.
I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of seven days was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.
He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special l. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.
He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.
Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two. Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.
Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she e picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket.. Hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.
She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."
I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes. "My husband passed away seven days ago," I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. "Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."
She shook her head a and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.
I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.
I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.
As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.
I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know?
Suddenly the answer seemed so clear I wasn't alone. Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.
Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
foolish questions
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't U know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the"Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you afteryears...
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's justthe money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africamarry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
11. You are fishing and a guy asks....................
Stupid Question:- Are you fishing?
Answer:- No, I was just drowning worms.
12. You've been living in a colony from the same time as your neighbour has been living. But suddenly one day your neighbour asksyou.............
Stupid Question:- Have you been living here all your life?
Answer:- I don't know.... I haven't died yet!
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't U know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the"Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you afteryears...
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's justthe money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africamarry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
11. You are fishing and a guy asks....................
Stupid Question:- Are you fishing?
Answer:- No, I was just drowning worms.
12. You've been living in a colony from the same time as your neighbour has been living. But suddenly one day your neighbour asksyou.............
Stupid Question:- Have you been living here all your life?
Answer:- I don't know.... I haven't died yet!
